We Learn by Messing Up

In a recent blog I mentioned Mom guilt in relation to using containers. This is definitely a very hot topic which brings up some very strong feelings. This blog is based on an Instagram live I just listened to between a pediatric PT and a mental health specialist who works with parents. They were discussing guilt, what it means and how we can reframe guilt and make it a more useful tool. Here are some of the things I learned from that discussion.

They defined guilt as the feeling that develops when you know you've done something wrong. It results in shame, embarrassment. It's a self-conscious emotion that involves self-reflection. When I think about guilt I definitely equate it with a bad feeling. But it doesn't have to be that way. Guilt can help drive us to make different choices.

The opposite of guilt or shame is self-compassion. They noted that shaming yourself or others rarely motivates you to do better. If I take the guilt and reframe it as "I'm doing my best" or "I can change things", I give myself some credit for my effort and for using information to make better choices.

I want to make sure all my readers understand that I spent my first 16 years of practice working with adults. That means that when my babies were born I was anything but a pediatric expert. My oldest took the brunt of my experimental parenting. He had multiple undiagnosed ear infections that resulted in a ruptured eardrum and tubes twice. This also probably resulted in 2 years of speech therapy. That's only one example but rest assured there are more.

On the Insta-live the 2 therapists were talking specifically about flat head syndrome, container use, and the need for head reshaping helmets as a cause for guilt. They spoke of the many causes of flat head that are not the fault of anyone ie. intrauterine positioning, being a multiple birth, having tight neck muscles and more. They stated that parents cannot hold themselves to an unachievable standard. I often hear parents saying they don't want to use a helmet. They feel a helmet is a visible symbol that something needs correcting and it makes them feel guilt. Let's reframe that thought by thinking this way - I have noticed that my child needs something and I am providing it. This is no different than glasses for a child that has poor vision; braces for teeth that aren't straight.

As parents it's inevitable that we may miss some things that happen with our children. I missed the early ear infections because my son never cried or pulled his ears. Sometimes we parents are so far down in the weeds that things can get missed. The therapist called it a "heavy mental load to carry". My answer to lighten some of this mental load is a proactive wellness visit with a pediatric PT. We take our newborns to the pediatrician for multiple wellness visits during the first year. A periodic wellness visit for education on gross motor development, positioning to prevent flat head and torticollis, facilitation of productive play and education about container use could help families keep guilt at bay.

Lastly the 2 therapists talked about "learning when we mess up". I agree that we learn by trial and error. Babies experiment with movement when they play on the floor. They learn by moving and figuring out how their muscles work and how to control them. They fall down and they get back up and try again. And as children grow up they learn how to handle their mistakes by watching their parents treat themselves kindly when they make mistakes.

Its a hard thing to do but lets try to ditch the guilt, learn from our mistakes and give ourselves grace and kindness in the knowledge that we are all doing our best.